Heart Transplant

So, here's the question being formulated. Not so much my answer to it, but what I could perceive as the debate about it. It goes like this:

Suppose your only child, or grandchild had an extremely rare heart condition. You were the only one in the world that had a match for a transplant. Donating your heart would mean that you had to die in order to give it to them to live, would you do it??

And so the debates would begin:

A. There must be another way. Nope, this is the child's only hope to live.
B. It is unethical. This is a debate going far beyond my years. Again, this is a hypothetical situation. This is also at the heart of the late-term abortion debates, as in preserving the life of the mother...
C. Maybe there is a way to buy time, and with that time another way out may be discovered. Again, refer back to A.

Ok, so let's say that you have decided that for the love of this child, you would make this sacrifice. Let's take it a step further...

What if this was the child of someone you don't know.

Many would be able to stop here citing the responsibilities to their own family as justification. But let's dig a bit deeper for those who would still be willing for the sake of this precious child...

What if this was the child of a murderer?
What if this was not a child?
What if this were a drug addict? A murderer? An orphan? A person of another race??

To me, it doesn't matter. Yes this is hypothetical, but here's the reality:

Jesus came to earth to do this very thing. He died in the place of everyone who is willing to have his heart transplanted into ours. He did this willingly and unbiased. It doesn't matter the race, the age, the sex, or if the recipient was deemed worthy or not. He did it simply because it was the ONLY way. You and I have a rare heart condition that will lead to death without a transplant of the only donor who is compatable. Are you willing to receive this heart?

Am I really as accepting of change as I thought I was?

So, I've been getting some new revelations to ponder....

Am I really as accepting of change as I thought I was?

I've always prided myself to being adaptable to change. At least that what I thought. I'm realizing that I am still a creature of habit.

My new job is good. I have finished with orientation, I am now on my own. However, I have realized that most of my time has been spent looking at certain aspects of my job and -dare I say it?- complaining that it is not the same as my old one. The equipment is different. The charting is different. Much different. It seems very archeic to me. I find myself saying, "this is how we did it," referring to my last place of work.

We are at a new church. I love the people here. I love the worship. Yet, I find myself comparing it to our last church. Not so much complaining, yet still that same old "this is how we did it" attitude encroaching.

I haven't joined a new chorus yet. At this point, I'm afraid that all I will do is compare it to my old one and I don't have the energy for that.

I'm trying to be flexible. I am trying to see the good, learn from the old and move forward. I just guess I didn't know that it would be so hard at times. Maybe I am not as accepting of change as I thought I was.

Still trying.

stuck

So, this is where I get stuck.
I have all these thoughts running through my head, but don't know how to sort them out.
Every morning it's like making a checklist of my present circumstances.

Waiting for job to start Monday, trailing off to the unknown thoughts of the job, will I like it? Is is the right place for me? Am I good enough? Is this where God wants me?

Christmas is coming. What should I plan for that day? Did I spend too much money? Did I send everything out? How am I going to feel without the girls here? What does God have in store for their future?

Mike's Job. He hates his job. Should I just tell him to suck it up for now? Is this really where God wants him? Is he doing something wrong? Is he not doing something he should? How do I pray for the people that are driving him crazy when I don't have any contact with them? Does it matter that I don't have any contact with them? How can I be an encouragement to Mike when I know he really doesn't like it here? Is he just not giving it a chance? Am I being selfish in wanting him to like it? Should I be encouraging him to do something else? What does God want us to do?

Michael will probably be joining the National Guard. Should I be encouraging this decision? Will he come back to a relationship with God? Should I be more blunt with him and possibly push him away? Do I really want him to go? What is God calling him to do?

Church life. I really love this new church and getting to know the people there. Still, there's that question as to my function. Should I be doing something? Should I just be using this time to soak and be quiet? Am I too trusting? Am I holding back? What does God want me to do within this body of believers to further his Kingdom?

Living in Texas. Texas? Why here? Do I like it here? Does it matter if I like it? Am I afraid to like it and be plucked away? Texas? Why did I have to move so far away? Would I ever want to go back? Back to what? What if I like it here and Mike doesn't? Is this home? Is this temporary? Why did God bring us here? Am I missing what He wants to show us?

And so goes the questions. Which, I guess, ultimately lead to the same question. God, what do you want of me? I want to be willing. I think I am willing. Will I ever know for sure? What do I do until I am sure? How can I serve You?

Surviving the Holidays

Well, it's my first holiday since moving and somehow I managed to survive. Today was also Melissa's birthday. I talked to her about 3 times today, Michelle too. It was hard to not be with them, but they had their plans also. I guess it's all about moving on. Still, a bit hard. Mike, Michael and I had a nice turkey dinner. Then we played a couple of games of Monopoly. Mike creamed us both times, but it was fun. I'm so thankful for the phone and being able to talk to family today. Michael and I went to a dinner last night with some people from church. It was nice to be with others and getting to know them better. Nothing like a good meal to do that. Guess that's what community is all about. I'm learning.
Don't get to start orientation at my new job until Dec. 15th. It got pushed back because HR was not able to get me processed earlier. I also found out that I'm only going to be working on ICU. They said that they were very impressed with me during my peer interviews. I'm glad. Hope I don't let them down.
Had a weird dream last night, or was it this morning? Anyways, all I remember is that I was at a hospital and was sent to take patients in an area that they were opening up because the hospital was getting full. I remember looking out of a window and seeing a tornado overhead. I knew that I was safe where I was at, but the tornado caused two fires at nearby buildings. I knew that I would be helping to take care of the injured. Then I woke up. Don't know what all this means yet, but I will keep praying about it.

New Job!

So, I was offered a position at both hospitals. I did have formal interviews at both.

Hospital A (St. David's) continued to impress me. I met with the nurse educator, who is also the supervisor for the IMC. (intermediate care unit) She also lives in Hutto, which was cool. They are willing to be flexible and let me take a PRN (as needed) schedule on both ICU and IMC. This would allow me the time for training, and be put on the list for full time day shift. They seem more interested in doing the job right, than the aesthetics of the hospital. Not that the hospital is not appealing, it is, it is just not their main focus.

As suspected, Hospital B (Seton Hospital )is a very new facility. The unit is a combined ICU/IMC unit and you could have assignments in either at any given time. The director of the unit used the word "flexible" several times throughout the interview. This was a red flag for me. My translation of it: "We're very new and not fully staffed, so we need you to do whatever you are able to help us grow." Been there. Done that.

Needless to say, I turned down Seton and chose St. Davids. It is a bit further to travel, and about 0.13 cents less per hour, but I don't care. I think what I will learn and the service I can give to the patients (and not the hospital system) will be much more beneficial in the long run.

Thank you Lord for providing these opportunities. I pray that I can serve you well through this job.

Homesick

So, I guess some of it is getting to me. I woke up yesterday feeling very homesick and missing my girls. I guess it's the realization that I can't just pop over to see them, or that the door won't come flying open with one of them coming inside. So I did what most do, I cried. Through my tears I also prayed. I felt as though God was telling me that He knew how I was feeling. I felt better. He never ceases to suprise me! Out of the blue, I received an e-mail from an old friend. It was nice to catch up! This is the third time since moving that I've heard from someone out of my past. Guess it's a small world after all! Have a job interview today and tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous, but still, I'm excited. Still miss home. Guess I wouldn't appreciate it if I didn't miss it so much!

dilemas

Well, it's been an interesting week for me. I visited a couple of hospitals for possible employment. There are some really good opportunities, but with some dilema.

Hospital A: After some research on the internet, I was in contact with the nurse recruiter and she seemed very nice. She didn't seem to know a whole lot about the facility we were discussing. I did find out that Hospital A has several other hospitals in this area, and she was recently changed from recruiter for their main branch to now include this one. I went there and was able to meet with the director of the ICU there. He is also the director of their step-down unit. (CCU) The hospital itself is about 25-30 years old and has several additions to it. The people were nice, but there seemed to be no dress code, as on of their registers was wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt. The ICU handles a lot more acuity than I am used to, but desire nonetheless. I was very impressed with the teamwork I observed. They were very basic and not a lot of frills with the hospital design. It was pretty raw. I liked that! After a quick unannounced tour of the ICU, he gave me his business card and told me to call next week, where could have a more formal interview and I could have a more inclusive tour of the ICU and CCU. We were able to discuss the process of training and I was very satisfied that employment here would be an awesome learning experience and I would not be pushed in areas out of my expertise, but would also be provided with the training necessary to handle the tough cases. In order to have this next meeting, I would need to fill out the information and job application. I did. Travel time from home 20 minutes.

Hospital B: I visited the website of this facility as well. They are the biggest competitor to Hospital A, as they also have several facilities in the area. I clicked on the link to have a nurse recruitor contact me. This was on Monday. Didn't hear anything. I thought perhaps I may have entered my new phone number incorrectly, so on Thursday, I re-entered my information. Still, no contact. I was going there blindly, but optomistic. As I drove in the parking lot, I realized that this was a fairly new building. As it turns out, they opened last February. The architecture reminded me very much of Kish, my old stomping ground. Walking in the atrium, I felt as if I were walking into a sterile environment. I met with a gal from human resources, who was very kind. In order to talk to anyone or get a tour, I again needed to fill out an application. I did. Trying to keep an open mind. We talked for a bit and I gained some insight to this facility. They seem to be very much into the "healing atmosphere" of the architecture. I have some reservations, as I have learned from past experiences that often those so concerned with the atmosphere, tend to overlook the needs of the staff for their patients that they care for. I have to admit that I do not have "warm fuzzies" about this one, but I will remain open minded until I am able to see the unit for myself. They are supposed to be contacting me next week to set up a day to tour.

I have spent much time in prayer about where God wants me to go. He has taught me that I need to use the talents He has given me for His honor. Being a good nurse honors God if I am a servant for Him and not myself. But what exactly does all this mean? Through my experience, I am a good mentor and charge nurse for Med/Surg. I am an encourager. I am good at helping people believe grow in their giftings. I am also an excellent nurse to my patients. They come first, not all the hype about making the hospital look good, but being there for my patients. I guess that's where my first love in nursing is and I guess that's where I need to be.

It scares me to death. The unknown. Do I have what it takes to take care of open-heart patients? Do I have all the skills needed for quick decisions that can mean life or death for someone? The answer is "no" but I'm willing to learn.